Humour

Jokes

You have probably heard that laughter is the best medicine, and, indeed, laughter is one of the key ingredients to staying healthy. From relieving anxiety and stress to keeping a positive outlook, a good hearty laugh at least once a day is certainly something to strive for. Take a look at the medical jokes below to get your laughing started right now.

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet--still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

  • Doctor' Doctor' Can you prescribe a painless way to lose weight.
    Dr: Try sleep walking.

  • A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
    The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
    <
  • Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
    Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
    Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

  • A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
    The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

  • Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.""Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

  • A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
    The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
    She said, "Yes, darling' She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
    He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
    The woman said, "Thank God' That's wonderful' Oh' That's fantastic' That's wonderful news'"
    The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend'"
    She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302' Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word'"
    "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
    "And did he?"
    "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

  • A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
    2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
    1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
    1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
    1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

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